


Effort and Effortlessness

by Diary



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Bechdel Test Fail, Bottle Episode Fic, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, Established Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden, Established Relationship, Explicit Consent, Families of Choice, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, Late Night Conversations, Love, M/M, Male Friendship, POV Aaron Dingle, POV Male Character, POV Queer Character, Past Child Abuse, Past Incest, Past Rape/Non-con, Romance, Scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 12:37:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10491036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diary/pseuds/Diary
Summary: A look at Aaron and Robert's first time together after the trial. Complete.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Emmerdale.

He’d forgotten how good properly kissing Robert could be.

They break apart, and Robert traces up and down his arm. Part of him’s afraid Robert’s fingers are going to make contact with the scar, but mostly, he feels so good. He always feels a bit too needy when he’s with Robert, and even with things with Chrissie apparently well and done, he’s always going to worry and feel jealous, but if they could just move on, get to what he’s been wanting for months, it’ll be fine.

“Do you want more?”

Nodding, he answers, “Yes.”

He reaches over for the condoms on the nightstand, feels air, and then, remembers they’d both been tested. Agreed they’d- They had, once before, but it hadn’t been intentional, then. He’d had to find time to get himself tested and couldn’t help but wonder if Chrissie might be in danger and what kind of person it’d make him if she did get sick because he didn’t do anything.

Remembering all the helpless guilt, irritation at Robert, and anger at himself isn’t how he wants this to go.

“I brought some,” Robert says. “In case you decided we should wait to take that step. Aaron, more than that, I don’t mind waiting-”

“Just tell me you still want me,” he blurts out. “That, even with all this, you don’t see me different. Not about-”

Pity. He’s seen enough to know Robert truly has changed, and this isn’t about Robert planning anything cruel. Except, pity or anything along those lines, to him, it would be crueller than if Robert were just messing him around.

One hand presses against his cheek, and Robert links his fingers through Aaron’s with the other. “I told I’ll always want you, Aaron. More than that, though, I love you, and I need you.”

He wants so badly to say it back, but he reckons he might always be a coward in this regard.

“I don’t want things to be different,” he manages to say.

Before, he was stupid enough to take his top off for Robert, and the scars, new and old- Well, Robert knows about them, and, just because the gay bar and scrapyard were the only times he's brought them up, he made it clear both times what he thought. His face in the hospital made it clear again. He knows about Jackson. Worse, he knows he can tear Aaron down to the point Aaron is completely tapped, and still, here Aaron is, desperately wanting Robert to touch, kiss, and hold him.

He can live with being all this, but he doesn’t want what Gordon did- He’s not a victim, anymore. Nothing he likes or doesn’t like in bed has anything to do with what happened. He’s a grown man, and he can decide when, how, and who he wants to shag.

Pressing closer and wrapping around him, Robert replies, “Bit late for that, mate. I don’t know about you, but I glad they are. Just you and me, eh? No more secrets, lies, or hiding. No more hurting each other. And Liv, I suppose, but seriously, us talking about your kid sister needs to stay out of the bedroom, yeah?”

Making a face, Aaron nods. “Yeah, definitely.”

Softly kissing him, Robert tugs Aaron on top of him. “Things are going to be better."

Aaron desperately hopes so.

The kisses get deeper, and he knows what Robert’s doing. For someone who insisted on calling himself straight, Robert’s never had any problems with switching up positions. This, however, is about Robert making sure Aaron has all the control he needs and wants.

He’d thought it was too easy before to love Robert with all Robert's cruelty and selfishness, but the Robert who he’s gotten to know over the last few months, it’s effortless to love him, and Aaron doesn’t want to fight it.

Rolling off Robert, he tugs Robert onto his side. “I want you to be in charge, alright?”

Nodding, Robert traces his fingers through Aaron’s beard, and Aaron finds himself shivering.

“I have no problem with that,” Robert says with his annoying, secretly sometimes endearing grin. His expression turning more serious, he continues, “You know that I’ll always stop if you want me to, yeah?” 

Irritation and other unpleasant feelings rapidly well up inside Aaron, but before they can come out, Robert says, “It’s not just about him, Aaron.” Settling an arm across Aaron’s chest, he quietly says, “That day on the layby, I was in over my head. I wanted you so badly, and you made me work for it so hard. Then, when we finally kissed, brilliant as it was, everything was going mental inside me. I needed to stop, and when I told you, you did.”

“I should have been more thankful-” Before Aaron can interject, Robert continues, “Not for that, but for the fact you didn’t punch me for messing you about or call Chrissie or anything like that. I really didn’t have to be such a tosser about it, but the fact you stopped and didn’t push, that meant a lot, even if I didn’t show it.”

Until now, he’d never really realised- of course, he stopped. Even without Gordon, he’d like to believe he’d be the type who always would, but he’d thought Robert was more-or-less trying to get an ego boost, press the limit because he could, and had stopped because he wasn’t quite sure crossing such a line wouldn’t lose him his pretty, rich fiancée. Robert being honestly overwhelmed inside hadn’t registered with him.

“I know, Robert. And you know I always will, too.”

“I know,” Robert echoes.

Stealing a kiss, Aaron says, “Just you and me, nothing between us, with you in charge tonight.”

Robert’s hands go down to Aaron’s pants, and he declares, “In that case, I want to taste you.”

…

When Robert’s hands start pulling Aaron’s shirt up, Aaron halts them.

“No more hiding, nothing between us, yeah,” Robert softly says. “I want to see all of you, Aaron. Besides, I have one, now, too.” He lays down, tugs Aaron up on Aaron’s side, and puts Aaron’s hand near the scar from the bullet.

As always, Aaron feels a painful twist in his stomach. Robert so close to dying, all those things Aaron said to his comatose body, how tempted Aaron was to pull the plugs on the machines…

“I imagine I feel the same way you look right now when I see yours,” Robert says. “I hate the fact you were hurt, Aaron. I always will. But since you were, they say that you made it through. You’re here, now, with me. That’s what matters, innit?”

Unable to answer, Aaron traces the scar with his fingers before leaning down to kiss it.

Robert shivers, but the noise he makes definitely isn’t one of objection.

Slowly, Aaron tugs his shirt off and lies back down on his back. He tenses when Robert touches one of the scars, but Robert keeps his touch gentle but firm. “I don’t just want the easy and good, Aaron. I want you and all the good and bad that comes with you.”

“I want the same,” he quietly admits.

…

After they’ve cleaned up and covered the wet spot ( _need a bigger bed_ , fuzzily crosses his mind), Robert wraps around him, and he thought it was good and nice the week at Home Farm, but this puts that to shame.

 _I love you, I love you, I love you, Robert, I love you so much_ is mixed in with _thank you_ and feelings of relief. Everyone knows what Gordon did, he can never pretend like he used to it didn’t happen, but Robert wasn’t objecting to anything they did, and while this was one of their more gentle shags, Robert didn’t treat him like he was made of glass. Even aside from it being Robert, a man who knew still wanted him.

“I love ya, Aaron,” Robert murmurs with a nuzzle against the back of Aaron’s head.

He decides it’s time to say it back, but sleep overtakes him before he can.


End file.
